I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
