Don't make out with my wife yet
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
