I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
