New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
