You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize