he wants to bone in the snuggie
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
