I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
