I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
