she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
