Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
we made out on top of his cat.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my shit smells like andre
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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