last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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