she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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