my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
