sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
