I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
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Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
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I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar