:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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