remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.