He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
