maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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