do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just had sex bonerless
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
