You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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