and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
