Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My vagina is officially offended.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
