The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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