I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
