Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
