A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
