You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
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