i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
