You don't have asthma, your pregnant
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
