I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
