I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
