I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
