I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
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He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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