I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
