When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
