My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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