If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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