What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
