i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
