Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
