I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
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Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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