Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
