this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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