A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
