This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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