You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
