his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
