Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
