you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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