my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
