dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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