My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
