Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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