are you so shy because you have an std?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
