Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
