the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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