five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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