Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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